


Guilt meets Grief, both are pains.

by C_inthe_Dark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Evil Albus Dumbledore, F/M, Good Draco Malfoy, Good Dudley Dursley, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 12:54:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15340299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C_inthe_Dark/pseuds/C_inthe_Dark
Summary: Harry lives through hell every summer at the Dursleys.This summer after Ootp, will anyone find out or is he forever destined to be submerged in pain and misery.His mind is in a constant battle with itself, which side will win in the end?





	Guilt meets Grief, both are pains.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! XP  
> This is my first ever fanfic so pleace have mercy.
> 
> I hope you'll like it XD
> 
> PS. Some theories I'm a supporter of will appear in later chapters.

He is seeking for a word in his mind. He remember it is a simple word, used by himself on a daily basis. But at the moment he can’t grasp it. He belives it’s a feeling but he couldn’t be sure, his mind is too clouded from excruciating pain….pain, ’Yeah, now I remember.’ Pain was the word he was looking for, but that was also the only thing he knew.

Completely numb both physically and mentally Harry peeked a glance from the corner of his eye to see if his attacker was still present. 'Who was it now? Had the Death Eaters managed to breach the bloodwards or had Piearce caught him in a successfull game of Harry Hunting?' ( He was the onlyone in Dudleys gang fast enough ) In perfect timing for a meaty fist to connect to his left temple and he finaly subcombed to the longed darknes right after his mind voised ' Aha, just uncle Vernon letting of some steam' .

Harry slowly reached awereness feeling a pounding haedache equally painfull to the rest of his bruised body. The pounding suddenly changed origin from his heavy head to the door of his room.

”FREAK, GET DOWN AND MAKE DUDLEY BREAKFAST YOU USELESS BOY! Uncle Vernon shouted through, still whacking at the door, whitch vibrated on it’s hinges by the brute force of it. Harry could hear him grunting by the exercise of descending the staircase down to the kitchenarea.

Harry bolted up to a sitting position on his thin mattress on the floor ( one of Mrs Weasleys knitted sweaters rolled up as a pillow and a dusty, old curtain filled with holes made by moths as a quilt ) , realising too late that that was a stupid thing to do, immediately becoming overpowered by a violent shock of dizziness and he yelped in anguish aggravating his broken body with such sudden movements. He began gaging, feeling sick by the fast spinning room and mindnumbing pain. Nothing but bile came forth because he had no contents in his stomach to get rid of.

When the illness subsided somewhat and he had stoped to gag his mind felt a bit more clear and he contemplated what had caused his uncles wrath this time.

FLASHBACK

It was an unusually hot day in Surrey. Harry Potter was in the laundryroom of Number four, Privat Drive in the midst of his summerholidays from Hogwarts ironing his uncle and cousins' ridiculously large shirts and aunt Petunias ugly dresses. Well trying to by the best of his ability with a probably broken right arm hanging unuseful at his side. But Harry didn’t mind the housework at the moment. The new challenge of it by only having one arm to use kept his mind from wandering into unpleasant thoughts. The sadness and guilt that came when his mind walked the grounds of his newly decaesed godfather so overwhelming in tensity that the emotional pain overlapped all the punishments his relatives could ever hand him physically. Sometimes he whished for a good old back-hand to his face just to be rid of the guilt.  
He knew these kind of thoughts was selfdestructive to himself, but the couldn’t stop analyzing the fact that if he had just tried harder at occlumency ( even though Snape was a bastard of it's own kind and wouldn't tell him what he did wrong but kept mind-raping him with fierce vengeance ) he would not have fallen victim of Voldemorts’ skam and Sirius would still be alive. A voice inside him had planted a seed after Sirius death that during the summer had began to grow with deep roots unconsciously telling him he continuously deserved a worse beating for his failures.

Harry shaked himself out of those lanes of thoughts he hadn’t even realised he had stumbled into by the repetitive motions of ironing. ( He was getting the hang of it after a few minutes, converting the familiar actions from right to left arm, ironing was one of his chores anyway, he couldn’t perform fribblier than before, his relatives would consider it as sloppy and be punished for it. )

After placing all the ironed clothes in respective wardrobe Harry had only one more thing from the ludicrously long list of todays’ chores to finish before uncle Vernon would be home from work to inspect his efforts. It was only two thirty in the afternoon so Harry was positive he would be able to complete the list and mayby, with some overworldly luck, get some dinner tonight.

He doubted it though. Ever since he and his uncle had left the platform at Kings kross trainstation, after Moody and Mr Weasly had told uncle Vernon the demise of his godfather and basically made a humble threat to treat Harry better and be understanding with his mourning. Ron and Hermione had in their heartworming, still totally unnecessary by the words of his facade as the ”boy who lived”, confronted him by their concerne for his state of mind having to go back to the Dursleys ill treatment to their nephew so soon after the shock. They had seen every year returning to Hogwarts how utterly exhausted and sickly thin he was and had drawn their own conclusions that he wasn’t cared for properly, consernes that had never been brought into word until after they all had exited the Hogwarts Express into the platform 9¾ now after his fifth year, RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. Mr and Mrs Weasley and the rest of the readheaded clan, Moody, Tonks, a two other aurors he remember seing coming and going at Grimmauld Place, even Snape, had stoped whatever they were doing to stare at him in disbelieving silence waiting for an answer. Harry was furious at his two best friends for outing his biggest secret with no regarding to his privacy.

Harry knew he was being abused, badly, had always been, and that it had come to a degree where it could be lifethreatening if he didn’t confess to what was happening every summer at Priver Drive. But he had paniced by all the condemnatoring eyes on him and the embarrassment of telling people he wasn’t able to defend himself against a simple muggle in front of the aurors, the disappointment he was sure to receive from his best friends and second family and Snapes repulsed facial expression forced his mouth into an innocent grin and brushed their worry away by saying something he can’t even remember now ( Probably something to do with him turning the hourse of the day during the brake ) and created a diversion by ”accidentally” open Hedwigs cage whom flew out and circle around the platform, hoping the commotion would bring everybody to forget their worry about him untill they went their separate ways.

Hedwig knew exactliy what Harry needed and mede the situation into a spectacle by scaring other passangers before returning to her cage hooting happily as if proud of herself. The group had met the eyes of the now angry passangers with appologetic faces, except Snape who glared at them so menacingly they turned around in apparnet fear of him. When the cirkusnumber was over Harry was plesed to notice noone took up the previouse conversation from where it was left. They said their goodbyes and wellwishes and Harry saw the ocean of readheads dissapear around a corner and Hermione after giving him a last bine-crishing hug retreating with her parents. The aurors gave a slight nod waiting for Moody so they could leave to whereever they where headed. ( Harry had never seen another grownup at the train exept Remus in third year. ) Harry remember seing them a few times at Grimouldplace so he assumed it was orderbuissnes. Harry realised with an unplesant start that Moody was again stearing at him with a grim expression, even his magical eye whitch usually flickers all around the surroundings was staring intently right at him. They stared at eachother in uncomfterble silence untill Tonks broke in with her alwais so sheerfull self whishing Harry a fun summer, tripping over Harrys trunk, dissolving the spellbound Moody seemed to be in. ’ She must be very good with her spells to be an auror cause jaesus she is clumbsy’ Harry thought when she skrambled up and gave him a quick hug then waived as she made everyone follow her out of the station … all exept for Snape who was looking at him with an unreadable expression. Harry ignored him setteling for gathering his trunk whitch had fallen of the cart when Tonks did a beeline for it. Feeling Snapes eyes at the back of his head dissapear he sighed and made his way to the enrence where uncle Vernon would be waiting. ( Afeter being thretend he left saying he would go to the car and thet Harry should hurry if he didn’t want to walk home. ) Harry senced his uncles wrath all the way from the entrence. He knew this would be the most terrible summer so far.

Getting closer to the car he could see uncle Vernons face going from red to darker red chifting to purple with every step Harry took. After placing his trunk and owlcage in the backseat and carefully seating himself at the only left place avaleble, the passangerseat, he was practically fuming in rage. In a movement so fast Harry thought impossible for such an obeese man, uncle Vernon grabbed the front of his t-shirt and dragd him forcefully closer.

”YOU UNGRATEFULL PEACE OF FILTH, HOW DEARE THEY THRETEN ME! ALL WE HAVE DONE FOR YOUR SORRY AS.” he screamd right in his ear so loud the hairs kittled his innerear and his eardrums hurt. Hedwig sceaching in the back. ”YOU JUST WAIT TILL WE GET HOME BOY” he said in a deadly, wheezy but ecually loud whisper, slamming Harry into the cardoor before taking of still muttering profamities under his breath. Harry swallowing thickly averting his gaze and drying the spittle of his face by the back of his hand.

WARNING: VIOLENCE

As soon as Harry was inside of the threshold droping his belongings near the staircase a fist was jammed in his hair forcing him to reel backwards, his head slamming into the wall, he saw stars inthe periferi of his vision. Before regaining any comprehension a fist conected with his stomach and he nearly doubled over by the force and pain trying to take in a breath. Allthewhile hearing Vernons shouts. Harry, in his dase could only pick up on a few selective words, like freak, burden, filth, all being companied with a slap to his cheke. The dizziness weekening his composure Harry found himself on his knees on the hallway floor. Uncle Vernon on a rampage continude to kick him everywhere he could reach. Slumping further down against the wall he was grabed in a one hand shokehold and heeved up the stairs and shoved into his room at the end of the upstairs hallway. Lying spraweled in the floor Harry heard all five locks klick into place before his blurry vision and ragged breathing was acompanied by a rauwring television from the livingroom. Harry finally succombed to the blackness of unconsiusness, all searing pain becoming nothingness.

END WARNING

’Wow, my thoughts are running haywire’ Harry had been standing in the middle of the hallway for Merlin knows how long. He picked up the peace of paper listing his chores to see what was left to do:

 

   Iron the dried clothes

 

   Wacuume the ENTIRE house

 

   Dust pictureframes

 

   Cleen Dudleys rooms

 

   Mow the lawn

 

It wasn’t a long list today but ”boy” they had a lot of fotos and Dudleys rooms ( plural ) was like entering a waszoone.  
Mowing the lawn was what was left. Harry went down the stairs peeking out the kitchenwindow. To his utter dismay he saw Dudley had brought his gang home sitting in the shadow on the frontporch. ’Shit’ he thought, what was he to do now? Hope is the last thing to die, he really wanted to finnish the chores to have a minimal but still barely existing chans to get some food tonight. ( Last time he ate was from the garbagecan the night before ) On the other hand he had no intention to run right into a session of ”Harry Hunting” in this heat, not to mention Peirce could deliver some nasty kicks.  
Still perched by the window, mulling over his few options musing if it would be best to get beaten by his uncle or Dudleys gang. ( If they caught him that is, Harry was faster and more agillibre than any of them but with the exhastion, malnurishment and bruses meking themseves known he didn’t know how bog of a risk ha would be taking. ) he didn’t notice uncle Vernons car sliding up the driveway. Thats why he ended up with a broken right arm. How he ended up with the broken arm however he has no recolection of except him being tossed to the floor and a foot stomping down on his elbow making it krack in the wrong direction.

END FLASHBACK

That ’s how the summer has gone so far. He wakes up by the pounding on his door, make breakfast, chores, lunch, dinner. All thewhile doing the best he can to get some scrapes of food himself, avoiding Dudley and his gang and being punished and screamed at for imaginary issuse. Sitting in his makeshift bed now he felt like he had reashed his limit of keeping his sanity. From the bottom of his heart he mentally screamed for help, for anyone to take him away from here, to save him. His mentall plea was interrupted by aunt Petunias shrill screach to get his ”lazy as” downsairs. And by that a new a hellish dag began for Harry at number four Privat Drive.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Meanwhile in the dungeons at Hogwarts a sertain potions master was seated in his favorite armchair In his chamber still, after allmost half the summerbrake, trying to force his thoughts away from the day at Kings kross having the unfortunate experience to have to take the train to get to an ordermeeting whitch for no apparent reason was to be held in the park near the station. One of Headmaster Dumbledores’ many spectacles. Why not apparate closeby? All ordermembers could apparate. And when all was gathered he sat with eyes twinkeling so bright they could have shone saying we all could do with some sun in the fine weather. Severus was way more comfterble in the darkness of his dungeongs. ’The manipulative old fool’. No he was thinking of a sertain ”golden boy” and the concern the rest of the golden trio had proclamed at the platform, appearently forgetting their unsubtlety by the matter in their Griffindor manner. But it was proposterus the pampered and spoiled reincarnation of James Potter would ever be ill treated by his relatives, it was simply impossible. But Severus had seen with his own eyes the weird beheavior of the Potter boy while on the platform. He wasn't a spy for nothing.

FLASHBACK

Severus Snape grudgingly left the compartment he had sheared with auror Alasor Moody, Tonks and two other aurors he reacalled as ….. and …… They had been silent the entire ride much to Severus delight, exept for Tonks trying in vain to start a conversation. ’Stupid girl’ he thought when she wouldn’t get the hint no one was interested. Occluding his mind he shut out all unnessesary sound, still not enjoying the rest of the ride. He could have spent the time in his potionslab experimenting on his time off.  
When the train eventually came to a stop at Kings Kross Severus was almost run over, basically tackled by all the students rushing of the train out on the perrong? Snearing at the forth year Huffelpuff girl and glaering at the sixth year Rawenklaw boy having landed in a heap of tangled limbs on the hallway floor he gathered his wits not to rawr at them. Instead speaking in his customary silky voice making the children cringe on the floor.  
”


End file.
